she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
