Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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