My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
