i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
