Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
