So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
