you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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