the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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