remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
