Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
