I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
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I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.