In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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