so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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