I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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