i think my tv is drunk
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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