You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
