im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
