i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
