Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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