I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
