you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
