a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I touched a dick in church today
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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