I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
