i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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