Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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