I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
God, I missed his penis.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
