I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
