I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
