he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
