I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sorry about my life...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
