shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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