I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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