My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
