Your dad touched me again.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
