I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
