I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
