Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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