Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
