She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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