So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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