please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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