I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
