Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
