as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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