That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
