why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
