ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
