How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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