On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
