just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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