no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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