I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
