Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's shark week go big or go home
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
