Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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