i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
