Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
