Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
