You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
